Episode Two: The Bloody Show Must Go On

Mother- and Father-to-be sat there stunned. A baby this weekend? Now? It was as though they had failed to understand that a baby was the usual outcome of nine months of pregnancy. Then what was the point of all the morning sickness, fatigue, weight gain, oh yeah and the kicking, fluttering, heartbeating being inside? “Well, we knew that a baby coming out was the ultimate goal,” they explained, “but we just never thought we’d make it to the final round so soon.” Pregnancy as sport, ladies and gentlemen. And here at the start of the final round, the scoreboard looked liked this:

Station (descent of the baby’s head in the pelvis): between 0 and +1 (high is -4, close to crowning is +4)
Effacement of the cervix: 80%
Position of the cervix: posterior
Dilation of the cervix: 0 cm!

Baby’s non-stress test: pass
Baby’s BPP: fail

So to recap, our two players had just received instructions to report to the hospital that evening for labor induction.

“7 o’clock sharp” the midwife said.

“We might still be able to make ‘Serenity!’” the woman said.

But that was not to be. After leaving the examination room they learned that the hospital required them to check in at five o’clock.

Five o’clock?! The loss of those two hours was upsetting. Not only was the movie out of the question, but that was two fewer hours they had to see if they could kickstart labor naturally.

You see, these parents-to-be preferred a natural, drug-free childbirth. Not out of any tree-hugging-hippy-dippy-crunchy-granola-sensibility… nor were they Christian Scientists or Amish folk opposed to technological intervention. It was just that any drug administered to the mother will cross the placenta and could affect the baby. Moreover, they had read that one medical intervention tends to beget another. Pitocin, which is used to stimulate uterine contractions, often causes really intense contractions. The mother can’t handle those and so she gets an epidural which numbs her from the waste down. When it comes time to push, she can’t push effectively and the baby gets stuck, and then a C-section is necessary, requiring more drugs, etc.

So these two had taken classes in the Bradley Method, which even included a practice labor session. They hired a doula to help. They were prepared to use massage, relaxation techniques, a birth ball, and water, to help with the pain. The woman had hoped to do most of the early labor at home, arriving at the hospital only once active labor had set in. Their bags had been packed for a couple of weeks. They had Gatorade in the fridge, popsicles, and two containers of gorp, one labeled “labor gorp” and the other labeled “post labor gorp” because they had read that childbirth is hungry stuff. There were trash bags, towels and a flashlight in the car in case of an emergency roadside birth. They thought they were as prepared as two childbirth athletes can be… ready to welcome their baby in a ditch off I-99 with chocolate and peanuts. But they were not prepared for a surprise and sudden induction via drugs.

The woman sighed and went to the ladies room to pee for the fifth time that afternoon. In the stall she discovered traces of blood on her panties. Could it be… bloody show?! A potential sign that labor is about to begin on its own? Excited, she ran back to the reception desk where the midwife was still on the phone making arrangements for the hospital check-in. “Well, I was mucking around up there when I did your cervical check,” the midwife said, “that’s what caused the blood.” Damn bloody show. Her hopes dashed, the woman asked the assembled medical personnel what they could do in the three remaining hours to get labor started naturally.

There’s walking …
Eating spicy food …

“Well you know how one of my labors started,” Charlene the nurse said. “My water broke while my husband and I were… you know… taking a ‘nap’ together.”

Her voice was twinkly and everybody laughed.

“Yeah, well, there’s Charlene’s way,” the midwife laughed. “But here’s my advice.”

Our intrepid couple leaned in eagerly, expecting some ancient midwifery secret involving mineral oil and sassafras.

“Don’t worry about labor. Just go spend the rest of the day together. Do something fun or meaningful because this will be your LAST DAY as a couple, where it’s just the two of you, for a long time.”

Mom and Dad-to-be looked at each other wide-eyed and gulped. This was not covered in the natural childbirth training either.

What to do with three hours left of couplehood?

Stay tuned to find out!