One Year Ago Today

It was a Tuesday. I remember that because I did not have to go to class that day. I awoke long before my husband, saw what day it was, and took the test in the bathroom.

A very faint plus sign. So faint that I left the stick on the bathroom vanity and trotted over to my computer where I immediately Googled “faint plus sign pregnancy test.”

Yes, I am that much of a geek. Today that faint plus sign is lying across my lap nursing from my breast. And squirming , and flailing her arms, and every now and then flashing me her impish grin.

Samantha is nearly four months old. Her father has been writing about her life on his blog, ChoicyWhiteBoy.com, since her birth. This blog will be my own contribution to that narrative, but it will also be a space for me to muse on my new life, a space where I can hash out the sometimes conflicting demands of motherhood and profession.

It seems appropriate to offer these musings under the emblem of MonsterFool, my personal symbol for wholeness and integrity. Taken from an exercise that uses Jungian archetypes, the Monster and the Fool are two aspects of the psyche with which I struggle often. The bumbling, blathering idiot… the bitch… the bore… much of my adult life has been about reconciling the parts of my self that do not seem to fit, and that I do not want to acknowledge.

Motherhood is one giant new role added to the cast of characters. The plus sign was right on.

Welcome to the MonsterFoolery!